Of late, I've been hearing more and more stories about people finding out that they are adopted...and not taking the news well. I find it a little hilarious at some of the reactions people take upon 'discovering' the truth. Now don't get me wrong...it's not that I'm heartless or anything, but certain incidents in life had given me a different perspective on life.
Some families love their adopted kid very well and ensure that no hint of the adoption is leaked out. This works well if you have relatives working on the same path as you. The parents feelings can be considered as a rollercoaster ride. Questions like Should I tell my child? When should I tell? How will his/her feelings be? Will they want to know more about their birth parents? How much info to reveal? Etc. Most parent's fear that they may loose their child by telling them the truth...but it's they cannot avoid the truth and they know the day will come when their children will find out or have to be told.
No matter how well the child is etc, finding out the truth will in one way or the other influence their development. Parents just have to know how to handle situations that arises as effectively as possible. Not at all a simple task especially if the child hides his/her true feelings. Personally I think how the adopted person reacts to the truth is will be based on how the family has brought the child up. One of mom's friend, Au.Sta* felt devastated when she found out that she was adopted after her mom had died. Finally given the opportunity to look at her birth cert didn't bring much joy to her. She went into depression etc...but she managed to think back of all the things that happened to her as a child. Her parents had brought her up so well, given her opportunities that some can only dream off. She is very successful now...to which she thanks her parents for. So from this case and a few others I've heard off, how the child is raised especially in the early years are very important. Even though I view it in that way, it varies from individual to individual. Some find out when they are children while other as an adult. Thinking patterns varies from age to age. Furthermore there are many other influences, both visible and invisible that influences the children/adults reactions.
In those days, parents normally hid their childrens' birth certificates and presenting excuses one after the other in why the child can't see the cert when requested. Now in the 21st century, at least here in Malaysia, adopted children are now awarded birth certs like any other children. There is no longer the difference of birth certs amongst the adopted and the born into children and for those holding birth certs that indicate the child is adopted, can go to the adoption office in KL, and change the certs to the new ones. Thus ensuring that their children will never find out the truth. I think this is good, because now even though if the child already knows that he/she is adopted, others outside the family will not need to know. It can be embarrassing for some when presenting birth certs to their primary/ secondary school and one way or the other the whole faculty will know.
I think the most common feeling that a child will face is "Loss". The feeling of loss about being given up for adoption. The feeling of loss when not getting the answers they seek which can affect the child's self-esteem and also about their position in society.
I personally have friends who have been adopted. This is the story of Alex* who was adopted the day she was born. She lived a happy life, had a very interesting childhood, did many things children could only dream of doing at that age. She had parents who loved her and gave her and her brother the whole world. Maybe the world was too good that it attracted the devils' attention. Things started taking a turn by the time she was 10. People started talking...to be more exact...relatives started talking. Informing others information that was not required to be passed to outsiders. Little did Alex know that people were actually plotting her downfall with or without intention remains a question. Cousins started asking questions and informing etc. Apparently they forgot the rule of "SHUT THE HELL UP!” Alex started silently questioning herself. Started comparing how her parents treat both her and her brother who is their birth son. Signs started showing...denial and depression started to settle in. No one realized the battle she was facing. To the outside world she put on a mask, pretending all was alright. The thing that made her confirm her speculation was that her parents refused to show her the birth cert, given various excuses. She started her little investigations, slowly learning from friends, who upon request started asking their parents. The answer that came back made her fall even more into depression. The answer was, " My parents said that someone is adopted in that family". They failed to mention which one. Oh yea I forgot to mention. Alex's parents were very well known in the town they lived in. Her dad was one of the richest person around...and you know how the public eyes love to talk about people of this category.
At age 11 she began banging her head on the wall, the physical pain took away the pain she felt on the inside. It was her drug. She lived with this depression for a long time. Never giving a hint to the family that she knew the secret that they tried to hide. She figured, why hurt them, they have done nothing wrong. Let them tell her when they were ready to. Years passed and she was living on the edge...wondering when they will drop the bomb...and also wondering about her 'other' siblings. She found out that she had other siblings [ or at least that's what her cousins had informed her]. The long awaited time finally came, when she was in the midst of her college years. It happened at the passport place *Alex laughs at this time* The officer refuses to give her passport until she gets the original copy of the birth cert. Of course her mother still refuses to let her see and tries her best to avoid it. After a while Alex who couldn't stand seeing her mother try so hard told her mom ,"It's ok ma, I already know" To which the mother looks up in surprise and responses ,"What? since when?" To which Alex just shrugs and says,” since I was 10." The mother turns silent...and the trip to the adoption office was a silent ride. The mother allows her child to follow them up to get the original cert from the officer. The officer was surprised that Alex knew. Alex just smiles. A week later her mother offers a mass for a person that makes Alex question, "whose that?"...to which she receives the reply," your mother:)". Alex turns silent for a while...looks up and says," I only have 1 mother and that’s you:)".
According to Alex, even though she knew since she was 10, finally receiving the confirmation actually crushed her inside. Something died...and she fell into depression again. She screwed up her studies making her situation with the family even worse. Now 3 years since that day, she has moved on, accepted her faith, and strives for the best. She has received a blessing. She was given up at birth. Taken into a family who loves her and has showered so many wonderful blessings on her. Now she strives to make them proud. She has finally come to terms about being adopted. It's not as bad as one things. Though sometimes, certain incidents triggers sadness in her life. She is still not very confident in certain matter esp sharing her feelings...but that's slowly changing. She is happy...and finally out of depression. Years and years of depression with no one to really turn to. All she needed was the truth and someone to talk to. All of which she has found.
Well that's the story as told by Alex. Thank goodness for a good memory or I would not have been able to share this story. Being adopted can be of an advantage to one depending on the family they are adopted into and also the environment they are raised in. If you have adopted a child, try and break it slowly to them but don't find excuses to avoid answering their questions.
* Names have been changed in respect of the individuals privacy.
. Hiresh has made the song Santa Baby by Britney Spears stuck in my head... its got tune to the last sentence of each verse.
